fic: libra (spn)

[jukeboxhound_backup]

Events and some dialogue from S1 and the end of S3, reference to S6.  Like most of these short things I do, I think it's weird, but hey.

Libra
SPN || PG-13 || Sam, Dean, gen || ~780 words
"Choose," Death says to Sam.

"Choose," says Death.

Sam looks up at the ceiling where Jess is pinned, spread-eagled, abdomen sliced open and the flames frozen mid-roar like a horror movie on pause, and then he looks to the floor by the dining table where Dean is lying, spread-eagled, abdomen sliced to ribbons and face lifeless.

"I said choose," Death repeats in a slow deadpan.

Sam's throat tightens up like it's the poltergeist with the lamp cord all over again, like sandpaper's been taken to it and scraped until all the soft tissue is raw and bleeding. How can Death – how is Sam supposed to –

Jess, with her open smile and un-callused hands, her kinky outfits and weekend sweatpants, her lame sense of humor and razor wit. Jess, who gave him all the things which he'd given up his father and Dean for.

Dean, with his sleazy smile and oil-stained nails, his leather jacket and cheap faded clothes, his lame sense of humor and practicality. Dean, who still always tries to give Sam everything he can't have for himself.

"Choose," says Death for a third time, "or you won't have either of them."

Jess, who hated confrontations and never-not-once asked Sam about his scars, why he never talked about his childhood, why he kept a nine-millimeter in the back of their closet.

Dean, who could only ever say I love you with a punch to the shoulder or by throwing himself into the line of fire.

Jess stares down from the ceiling in unmoving judgment and Dean's marble eyes stare blankly into nothing. Sam is standing at a crossroads and doesn't know what will come out when he opens his mouth, a word or a scream or the black bile of guiltangerhatred.

"Dean," form his lips. The lamp cord snaps and he can take wet, rough breaths again while Jess burns on the ceiling, ashes falling like grey, silent snow. Why, Sam, the ashes whisper.

…

Sam wakes up to a water-stained ceiling and Dean watching him over the top of a newspaper.

"Why'd you let me fall asleep?" Sam asks. The words come out gravelly but he's half surprised that they managed to get out of his throat at all.

"'Cause I'm an awesome brother," says Dean, and adds too casually, "So what did you dream about?"

That Jess died because he hadn't loved her enough. "Lollipops and candy canes."

Dean snorts. "Yeah, sure."

…

While Sam's getting the kids out of the basement, Dean goes after the rawhead alone and is such a goddamn fucking idiot that he manages to electrocute himself. It's one thing to have the nebulous idea that they're probably going to die before the age of thirty, but it's something else entirely when a doctor can point to a date on the calendar and say with practiced sympathy, I hope you have your affairs in order.

When Sam is honest with himself, which isn't all that often, he knows he's got this tendency for tunnel vision and it takes some serious shit to make him get his head out of his ass. So the doctors say that Dean's got a couple weeks to live, a month at most, and suddenly Sam remembers a man that wasn't a man but something so old it was going to reap God himself. He feels blindsided and breathless and lightheaded, can't decide which adjective fits best when he sees his larger-than-life big brother hunched over in one of Sam's own hoodies.

And Sam has a choice. Stay, let Dad and the demon get further away as he waits uselessly for Dean to die; or go, leave Dean in the more experienced and capable hands of nurses and finally chase after revenge and a conclusion over twenty years due.

"All right, well, looks like you're gonna leave town without me," Dean says with such a faked edition of his usual humor that Sam wants to punch him. "Hey, you better take care of that car or I swear I'll haunt your ass."

Except it's not really a choice at all.

"I'm gonna die.  And you can't stop it."

"Watch me," says Sam.

…

When Sam buries Dean on the side of a highway, he thinks that his choice to save Dean from a heart attack (to stay with him and not Jess' memory because, yeah, he loved her but she wasn't, she just wasn't) is what led to Dean whoring himself out to Hell for eternity. That Dean died because Sam loved him too much.  Good intentions and all that.

Now Sam makes the other choice, and Ruby smiles behind his back.

Comments

[fateofshadow.livejournal.com]

That was a million times better than I thought it would be, and I had pretty high expectations from the get-go. <3

I liked how you pulled it all full circle and, once more, scrambled my head-canon. (.___.) Kudos for blending the established with your own version and giving Jess some character. \o/

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

HA, good to know. The power of noodles ~

Which head-canon?

[fateofshadow.livejournal.com]

Oh, you know, chonological events in Supernatural, the fact that Death was cooped up until Lucifer threw his hissy fit in that field. Things like that (I know that you said this wasn't supposed to be taken literally, that Sam was having dreams, Death wasn't communicating directly, etc but I can't help it ;__; If anyone could have influence in his cage, it would be Death). I wish the writers had this level of season spanning intertextuality.

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

But Death wasn't cooped up - he was out doing his Universal Principle thing until Lucifer used 'one little spell' to put a 'leash' around his neck. Like a cowboy going out and roping in a wild horse (SEE WHAT I DID THERE).

When we were rewatching the earlier seasons, and even now when I occasionally go back to one, I caught/catch little things that could totally be season-spanning intertextuality. Even if the writers didn't actually do it on purpose, but it's totally there if you wish hard enough with all your little fangirl heart.

[hsifeng.livejournal.com]

Even if the writers didn't actually do it on purpose, but it's totally there if you wish hard enough with all your little fangirl heart.

Hence my total love-affair with this show and rewatching the first seasons; while I doubt the writers intended to have this sort of continuity of design they managed to pull it off anyway. I do think there at least some of this was Kripke’s insistence on continuing to weave ongoing story lines back into the narrative even after fans had mostly forgotten about them (*cough*Croatoan*cough*), but I think a lot was just serendipity and fanon at work.

Good fic writers who can illustrate these connections = National Treasures.

[hsifeng.livejournal.com]

You realize this makes me want to harass you for more “P over J”….right*? Because, your writing? I lurves it!




*subtle hint is subtle…

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

Aww, I feel loved. :D

Okay, so, it's Monday night, right, and I have a dissertation proposal and presentation tomorrow but instead I'm writing stupid shit like this and reading Advice Animal memes, oh god, and I can't give you any more P/J for like another month because there's also three term papers and I'm taking fateofshadow to Ireland for a week, and SPN is way more interesting anyway, and FUCK MY LIFE why can't I make a living off being a fangirl. Also, P/J = PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME ~

/self-pitying excuses>

[hsifeng.livejournal.com]

*chortle*

Not to worry BB, I get that you are up to your eye sockets in ‘real life’ things that have to be done. Thank you for taking the time to throw me a few bones while I await delicious P&J samiches*.

/end double-entendre

*/end Wincest references (for the time being)

[(Anonymous)]

This is the first time i've posted on any of your stories. sorry.
I've followed Eir's Tomorrow from near the start, on livejournal and ff.net.
I confess that I only got in to SPN because of your fangirling. lol.
I'd seen a couple of episodes before, but they didn't make sense, but were good to watch.
For christmas I got the first five series of SPN, and I love them. so, i've now added SPN to my fanfiction reading material.
I'm a sam/dean fan. :) and I love your fics.
I don't write reviews cos I never know what to write. lol.
All I can say is keep up the good work, and I eagerly await your next fic. :D

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

Don't apologize! I'm honored you would comment at all. :D God knows I don't do it often enough myself... And there's no prescribed formulae for reviews or comments. Sometimes just a word or two letting the author know someone's at least on the other end of the tube is all that's needed.

YAY WINCEST, COME TO THE DARK SIDE ~ But in all seriousness, I'll be blatantly self-promoting and link you to my SPN fic recs (http://www.delicious.com/jukeboxhound/fandom%3Asupernatural), in case you wanted more. (If you didn't or you've already read these, then ignore me.) One of the great things about this fandom is that it's so large and popular that there are many wonderful writers from which to choose with a million different kinks and tropes and plots.

[kate louise scott (from livejournal.com)]

Thank you for the link, I will check it out. :)
I've read most for the stuff you've posted for FF7 and SPN.
I think your an amazing writer/and artist.
And I, like many others, await your next fic/chapter. :D

[etrix.livejournal.com]

Interesting.

Do we actually have free will, or is it all destiny and every choice just leads to where we're 'supposed to be'? There are aspects of SPN that argue both sides at the same time and they are often the parts that intrigue me the most. You've caught the flavour of the debate in very few words.

So is your Big Bang going to explore what would've happened if Sam had made the other choice? (hint hint, nudge nudge)

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

Nope. But it's gonna have the free will versus fate theme because, like you, I find those things fascinating. /philosophy major

(Well, a little bit of: Let go Dean go because of [something inevitable, usually death, lol] and take advantage of what time is left, or fight for the very slim chance of success. Which isn't quite the same thing but is also the sort of quandary I find interesting.)

[borgmama1of5.livejournal.com]

Heartbreaking. and fits with how co-dependent the boys are. Well done!

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[mullu.livejournal.com]

So very powerful and IC. Truly, truly awesome .

*takes to mems*

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

Woot! Thanks.

[cece-away.livejournal.com]

Such terrible guilt. Poor Sam.

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

And of course we fangirls show no mercy.

[mangacat201.livejournal.com]

oh MEAN MEAN MEANIE MEAN. Seriously, MEAN ;MEAN MEAN. I can't eVEN.
...
Cat

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

"But then Dean comes back and there's some betrayal and misunderstandings and shit, but then Things Get Better and they live happily ever after with lots of gay incestuous buttsex. THE END."

If it helps, that's pretty much how every fic ultimately ends in my head. That, or they die fighting alongside one another and their shared heaven is an endless road in the Impala with Zeppelin blasting.

[zazreil.livejournal.com]

I love any story where you feel the brothers love for each other

Thanks for writing