fic: living chemical child (ffvii/fma)

[jukeboxhound_backup]

My brain, it is being eaten.  D:

Living Chemical Child
II. Ora et Labora

Main Pairing: Established Sephiroth/Zack/Cloud
Canon: FFVII (original game only) + Fullmetal Alchemist
Rating/Warnings: Light R - alchemical torture (naturally), some sexuality, meandering thoughts on alchemy and philosophy, general unhappiness.
Summary: It wasn't like Hojo had left clear instructions on how to reverse a sacrifice to the Gate.  Unbetaed.

Word Count: 1,114

II. Ora et Labora.

"Pray and Work," Lat. A true Alchemist
does not work with only the Physical.

The mansion was like a cross between a museum and a crypt, its empty silence heavy and watchful. It made Zack's skin crawl, but given what secrets he'd discovered here, the damn place had always done that to him.

(It wasn't often that they could get Cloud to stay longer than a few hours. He was just a lowly specialist and it wouldn't look good for a general to be seen too often with a young, fresh-faced soldier. But when they could, then the house would ring with startled laughter as Zack ambushed the kid, or with indignant cries whenever he fell into one of Zack's pranks.)

Zack had to take a moment to brace himself against the kitchen counter, ignoring the popping of the eggs cooking in the pan on the stove. Oh God, Cloud. But he had to remind himself, as he had countless times already, to keep it together, can't afford to lose it when Sephiroth was already on the edge. It felt like a small betrayal to suddenly wish so fiercely for his old lover's help – Aeris would know what to do, she always did.

(This one time, Zack and Sephiroth had gotten at each other's throats, too much why do you always have to act so immature and why can't you ever act like a normal person. Cloud stood between them with his arms crossed, and when it nearly came to blows he said you're both being stupid, if either of you acted like someone else then you never would've started this relationship in the first place.)

Letting out a long breath, he flipped the eggs from the pan onto a plate, grabbed a mug of black coffee strong enough to scour the rust off iron, and set off for the spiral stairs that wound down into the basement lab. Things scuttled through the shadows lining the stairs and the long underground corridor, but Zack paid them no mind and eventually kicked his way into the old library.

(Zack, Cloud would say timidly, Sephiroth's been down there for a long time. Has he eaten? I don't think he's eaten. And Zack would say sometimes he gets like that, he can go for days without remembering to eat, and Cloud would furrow his brow and chew his lip. That's not healthy. I'll go make some mashed potatoes, he likes those. Would you like any?)

"Time to eat, Sephiroth."

No reply.

"You can't think if you don't eat."

"I'm not hungry."

Neither am I, but some things just have to be done. "Sephiroth, if you don't eat, your mind really won't be able to function clearly, and then you're more likely to miss something that can help Cloud."

Sephiroth slammed a book shut and put his head in his hands, leaning his elbows heavily on the oak desk. "Sometimes it feels like something's possessing me," he whispered, staring down at the embossed cover, "like there's a voice telling me the answers are there if I can just find them."

Zack set the plate and mug down on the desk, steering clear of the clutter of books and papers, and threaded a hand through the other's long hair. "It's guilt," he said quietly. "Probably a healthy dose of anxiety and self-doubt, too. Don't let it distract you."

"…No, you're right. As usual, you're right," Sephiroth sighed, sitting up again and closing his eyes. It was a moment of vulnerability that no one outside of Zack and Cloud had ever been allowed to see. "I can't afford to let my emotions cloud my – "

"I meant it for your sake, too, you idiot."

"I shouldn't have killed Hojo."

"If you hadn't, I would have," Zack said with sudden fierceness.

"He's the one that did this – "

Zack turned the desk chair and got to one knee so that he could look up into Sephiroth's face, a hand on each of the armrests trapping the other man in place. "This is Hojo we're talking about. Even if he had any idea how to reverse what he did to Cloud, do you honestly think he would've ever told you?"

(Not everyone's stupid, Zack had told Cloud seriously. Anyone with half an eye can see that there's something different about Sephiroth. And Cloud knew exactly what he meant: there was something a little too feline about the general's green eyes, a little too predatory in his bearing to be entirely human, but after a moment of thought Cloud just shrugged. Whatever Hojo may or may not have done – and remember, Zack, there's no proof of anything – it can't be reversed, and it's become so much a part of Sephiroth that what does it really matter? He's still human where it counts. And Zack had smiled so hard it hurt because finally, finally someone understood what Zack himself had been saying all this time.)

"Everyone has a breaking point."

"And Hojo was already so cracked that I really, really doubt we would've gotten anything useful out of him. He would've just sent you on a wild goose chase, Sephiroth, he would've told you whatever he had to so you would get distracted from the actual problem."

"Then I would have gone as far as necessary to make him tell us the truth," he hissed with such poison that Zack felt cold fear; not fear of the man, but for him, because that sort of darkness could eat a man alive. And God knew that Sephiroth had enough of that darkness as it was.

(Men, women, and children were dying, streaking the sand with blood. They didn't stand a chance under the stones that the Mercury Alchemist could form from the dust in the air, striking like a shower of falling stars. I was lucky, Sephiroth had told Zack. I may have chosen to look them in the face as I killed them, but it's the Flame Alchemist I pity, except that his voice had been utterly deadpan. He's the one that had to bear their screams as they burned.)

"All right, here's the plan," the soldier said calmly. "We're both going to eat. Then we're going to sleep for a few hours because you've been up for the last twenty-six…no, don't argue with me, you know I'm right. Then we're going to sit down, and you're going to run me through the basics of what we do know. Maybe that'll help you figure out where to start."

The struggle was visible on Sephiroth's face. Zack held his gaze, refusing to back down or look away, and finally the general gave a short, jerky nod. As he pulled Sephiroth to his feet, Zack happened to glance at the State Alchemist watch lying abandoned on top of a book and couldn't help a troubled frown.