jukeboxhound_backup (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jukeboxhound_backup) wrote2013-08-06 11:01 pm
jukeboxhound_backup) wrote2013-08-06 11:01 pm
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so, i have bipolar disorder
which you may or may not already know, i don't really make a secret of it.
for the last two weeks i've gone without any medication whatsoever because neither i nor my pharmacy can get a hold of my psychiatrist to authorize script refills, and i'd like to point out that i tutor kids primarily in elementary and middle school - which means, y'know, a person's patience may get tested from time to time.
now, i've always had something of a quickfire temper, the kind that will SUDDENLY FLARE AND CONSUME EVERYTHING INCLUDING REASON unless i can remove myself and ride out the initial wave, in which case i can generally be calm and collected or sometimes not even give a shit. the medication helps with thatdespite killing almost all creative drive, but what can you do, i need to function enough to earn the money to eat.
but today i told one of my kids that i was about ready to punch a care bear because, i'm sorry, but i was having No Patience for their usual boundary-testing bullshit. "i wrote 'E Forest' because i don't want to write out 'Emerald'," even though the assignment specifically says to do so to practice capitalization, and also your spelling is terrible and needs practice anyway.
"i'm sorry to hear that. do it anyway."
also i may have told one of them to sit their butt down and do your work, i will duct tape you to the chair if i have to, this is not a time to try getting up to wander (why would you think this is acceptable anyway, you are not a goddamn five-year-old), your parents are paying good money for this hour and i'd rather be at home playing games too, do not fight me on this because i promise that you will lose.
and i feel terrible because you need to find a balance between discipline and freedom of choice, balance emotional needs with whatever academic curriculum we have to complete because who can learn when they're frustrated or embarrassed or heartbroken over a bad home life? no one, that's who. and i pride myself on being able to build good rapports with my kids. but i am pharmaceutically lacking, exhausted, bleeding and cramping for the last three weeks because of this goddamn IUD, feeling the onset of some hypomania because of seesawing for lack of stabilizers, and depressed over other personal life issues: do not fucking test me.
(this has been a TMI rant by jukeboxhound nee hades' phoenix, which may or may not be deleted in the morning depending on how much rage i work out through killing people in assassin's creed ii. ezio, you're a gorgeous slut, but i miss altair's endearing bullshit and am anticipating connor's breaking the cutie.)
for the last two weeks i've gone without any medication whatsoever because neither i nor my pharmacy can get a hold of my psychiatrist to authorize script refills, and i'd like to point out that i tutor kids primarily in elementary and middle school - which means, y'know, a person's patience may get tested from time to time.
now, i've always had something of a quickfire temper, the kind that will SUDDENLY FLARE AND CONSUME EVERYTHING INCLUDING REASON unless i can remove myself and ride out the initial wave, in which case i can generally be calm and collected or sometimes not even give a shit. the medication helps with that
but today i told one of my kids that i was about ready to punch a care bear because, i'm sorry, but i was having No Patience for their usual boundary-testing bullshit. "i wrote 'E Forest' because i don't want to write out 'Emerald'," even though the assignment specifically says to do so to practice capitalization, and also your spelling is terrible and needs practice anyway.
"i'm sorry to hear that. do it anyway."
also i may have told one of them to sit their butt down and do your work, i will duct tape you to the chair if i have to, this is not a time to try getting up to wander (why would you think this is acceptable anyway, you are not a goddamn five-year-old), your parents are paying good money for this hour and i'd rather be at home playing games too, do not fight me on this because i promise that you will lose.
and i feel terrible because you need to find a balance between discipline and freedom of choice, balance emotional needs with whatever academic curriculum we have to complete because who can learn when they're frustrated or embarrassed or heartbroken over a bad home life? no one, that's who. and i pride myself on being able to build good rapports with my kids. but i am pharmaceutically lacking, exhausted, bleeding and cramping for the last three weeks because of this goddamn IUD, feeling the onset of some hypomania because of seesawing for lack of stabilizers, and depressed over other personal life issues: do not fucking test me.
no subject
I'm going to echo that it's an utter festival of bullshit not having contact with your psychiatrist, and channeling your rage onto hir.
Based on what I know about your actions IRL, I don't think you're going to step into territory where the kids will have their opinions changed about you. Like you said, you know how to remove yourself from a situation before it gets to be too much. If it gets to be too much, ask them to cut it out for a while, because you don't feel 100%. I remember this working on me when I was in--third grade, I think?--so it might be worth a shot. (Though that might require some patience to explain calmly, and I don't know how much of a supply you have left...)
So yeah... hugs again. I hope that it all starts getting back soon.