so, i have bipolar disorder

[jukeboxhound_backup]

which you may or may not already know, i don't really make a secret of it.

for the last two weeks i've gone without any medication whatsoever because neither i nor my pharmacy can get a hold of my psychiatrist to authorize script refills, and i'd like to point out that i tutor kids primarily in elementary and middle school - which means, y'know, a person's patience may get tested from time to time.

now, i've always had something of a quickfire temper, the kind that will SUDDENLY FLARE AND CONSUME EVERYTHING INCLUDING REASON unless i can remove myself and ride out the initial wave, in which case i can generally be calm and collected or sometimes not even give a shit.  the medication helps with that despite killing almost all creative drive, but what can you do, i need to function enough to earn the money to eat.

but today i told one of my kids that i was about ready to punch a care bear because, i'm sorry, but i was having No Patience for their usual boundary-testing bullshit.  "i wrote 'E Forest' because i don't want to write out 'Emerald'," even though the assignment specifically says to do so to practice capitalization, and also your spelling is terrible and needs practice anyway.

"i'm sorry to hear that.  do it anyway."

also i may have told one of them to sit their butt down and do your work, i will duct tape you to the chair if i have to, this is not a time to try getting up to wander (why would you think this is acceptable anyway, you are not a goddamn five-year-old), your parents are paying good money for this hour and i'd rather be at home playing games too, do not fight me on this because i promise that you will lose.

and i feel terrible because you need to find a balance between discipline and freedom of choice, balance emotional needs with whatever academic curriculum we have to complete because who can learn when they're frustrated or embarrassed or heartbroken over a bad home life?  no one, that's who.  and i pride myself on being able to build good rapports with my kids.  but i am pharmaceutically lacking, exhausted, bleeding and cramping for the last three weeks because of this goddamn IUD, feeling the onset of some hypomania because of seesawing for lack of stabilizers, and depressed over other personal life issues: do not fucking test me.

(this has been a TMI rant by jukeboxhound nee hades' phoenix, which may or may not be deleted in the morning depending on how much rage i work out through killing people in assassin's creed ii.  ezio, you're a gorgeous slut, but i miss altair's endearing bullshit and am anticipating connor's breaking the cutie.)

Comments

[zeffy-amethyst.livejournal.com]

/hugs

I'm sorry life is sucking so much for you. :(

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

C'est la vie, I guess? Eh, fuck it.

/hugs back

[meowwl.livejournal.com]

Save up some of that rage and show up with it at the psychiatrist's office. If you're on their doorstep, they have to deal with you. And anyway, what the hell kind of doctor doesn't have the sense to know a patient is going to run out of meds, and need to contact someone to get a new script. Hell, for that matter, what kind of psychiatrist's office wouldn't have an emergency answering service to handle stuff like that after hours or when the doc's on vaction? If the doctor isn't there, then who's handling their cases, and if they are there, why in the nine hells aren't they answering their phone/faxes? Either way, someone's being particularly incompetent, and needs a metaphorical ringing slap upside the head!

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

She used to have an answering service for off-hours, which saved me a couple times, but for some reason she doesn't anymore, just the office phone. Which apparently doesn't like messages, idek. Not even email worked, what even is that.

It's a $20 copay, so I'll wait until I need to spend that money to see her. But when I do...

[fateofshadow.livejournal.com]

As always, I think you have more control than you give yourself credit for; I've gotten far worse from teachers who didn't have a medical reason for their behaviour. It might be good to explain to your kids at some point that everyone has bad days and the fact that you're having a few of them does not reflect on them.

It makes no sense to me that you're having difficulty getting your meds. I take it there's no such thing as repeat prescriptions over there? God- leave notes, call often, stalk this person's facebook if you have to, they have no right to leave you hanging here. There should be more than one pharmacist anyway. What is their vacation policy exactly? If they don't have one in place then you might be able to complain to the head office. This is an essential service and it is lacking. You are perfectly within your rights to complain and complain hard.

Please tell me that I'm misreading a grammar thing because from here it looks like you're been on your period for three weeks. Right there is every woman's hell. *Hugs you* I hope everything gets better soon.

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

We do a thing where you can refill a script a certain number of times, but then the doctor needs to authorize it to 'reset' it. Is that what you mean by repeat scripts?

She has a private practice, so if she's accountable to anyone I don't know them. But! I got one of my many doctors to prescribe them instead, and the things she had to say about psychiatrists wererather entertaining.

I have indeed been on a period of some sort for three weeks! It's awesome.

[fateofshadow.livejournal.com]

Yeah, repeats are the same over here. At least you won't have to deal with the system again for a little while?

*Stares at you in abject horror, pats you very softly*

[dragongirl16.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. *zenhugs* I'll bet though that some of those kids did need a stern sit down and do your work yelling at. *kicks.rant.soapbox.back.into.the.corner* I hope things get back to an even keel soon!

[jukeboxhound.livejournal.com]

Sometimes they do indeed, my god. But for the most part, as long as they complete their work and don't disrupt other people, I don't particularly care in which order they do assignments or if they prefer sitting on the floor or whatever. It's probably a remnant of spending my formative years in a Montessori, ahaha.

Thanks. :)

[chofi.livejournal.com]

All the hugs. Just... all of them.

I'm going to echo that it's an utter festival of bullshit not having contact with your psychiatrist, and channeling your rage onto hir.

Based on what I know about your actions IRL, I don't think you're going to step into territory where the kids will have their opinions changed about you. Like you said, you know how to remove yourself from a situation before it gets to be too much. If it gets to be too much, ask them to cut it out for a while, because you don't feel 100%. I remember this working on me when I was in--third grade, I think?--so it might be worth a shot. (Though that might require some patience to explain calmly, and I don't know how much of a supply you have left...)

So yeah... hugs again. I hope that it all starts getting back soon.

[rafira.livejournal.com]

urgh! it is completely irresponsible of your psych to be uncontactable for 2 weeks without notice (i hope nothing bad has happened to them). it sounds like you are still managing to keep a level head though , what you described as your attitude to the kids sounds really mild! i hope you start to feel better soon ): :)